I feel the need (at the moment) to impart my unusual ‘wisdom’ that I have amassed, to any old random person I come across.

The local chemist has just been the recipient of all my newfound knowledge on the benefits of virgin coconut oil (which they have irritatingly failed to stock). The main man in charge looked fascinated (as of course he should be) and will be replenishing his shelves with this marvellous stuff by next week!

Coconuts practically fulfil everything you need in life. Actually, I have just been informed by my friend Kerry that it could even save your life. Apparently, if you are in dire straits, spouting blood all over the place, without a handy hospital in sight, then one could just administer a blood transfusion with pure coconut water. The pale patient might be horrified by this, of course; however they would most likely die anyway, so it’s always worth a try. The coconut water is so sterile and pure that if it is immediately taken from the drupe and plonked into the vein, you may buy yourself enough time to get to a clinic and get hooked up with proper blood. Meanwhile you are perfectly hydrated. You are nearly dead but you will look pretty peachy.

Whilst you wait for the ambulance, you may wish to swill coconut oil around your mouth for twenty minutes then spit it out afterwards. This does wonders for your teeth, removing stains from your enamel and getting rid of bacteria in your mouth.

During the frantic rush to hospital you could swallow a few teaspoons of this oil to guard against cancer. A little drink of coconut water will keep you nourished for the journey, so it’s not so problematic if you’ve arrived after the hospital kitchen has closed.

I’m pretty sure that if you are squealing too loudly from the injury you have recently sustained, someone handy could just knock you out for a while with a sharp tap to the skull from the shell.

I would definitely recommend it and say all round it’s a very satisfying drupe.

Read more amusing blog posts from Miranda here