Uppy knives. Where are Health and Safety when you actually need them?

Health and Safety’ has ruined a hell of a lot of fun for most of us but there has been one glaringly dangerous issue that has escaped their stupid interference. This is the horror of ‘Uppy Knives’.

Health and Safety

I know that I have a severe phobia about knives (sharp or blunt, I’m not fussy). Even so, placing one’s razor sharp knife in the dishwasher, blade up, seems totally ridiculous. Certainly masochistic, maybe sadistic. I’d even go as far to say potentially ‘murderous’. We wouldn’t want that, would we, Health and Safety?

We went to stay with our darling friends in Suffolk. Whilst helping fill their dishwasher I noticed the ‘Uppy’ situation and firmly shoved my handful of cutlery pointing down into the basket. I even said to my friend Sally, “Oh no! You’re an ‘Uppy’, are you?” She didn’t reply. Either she hadn’t heard me or she had decided to let me talk gibberish to myself.

We are a ‘Downy’ family, I’m pleased to report. ‘Downing’ must have rubbed off on my oldest married and unmarrieds. I love it when that happens! I feel like my great wisdom has seeped into the next generation.

Anyway, predictably, my friend Sally’s husband was lunging into the dishwasher when he shouted “Ow. That really hurt!” Well, yes it would! You have just sliced your finger open on an ‘Uppy knife’! What on earth would you expect to happen? My friend’s hubby was exceptionally brave in the circumstances. I was most impressed. With her husband clutching a cloth to stem the flow of an obscene amount of blood, he looked in the machine to see the culprit. A Sabatier chopping knife was up-ended in the dishwasher, ready to do more damage if anyone was stupid enough to go near it.

Health and SafetyMy friends have two gorgeous border terriers. They live in the dishwasher. As soon as that door opens, they scurry across the flagstones and jump in. They scramble up on the open door, using it as their lifting platform, and lick every single thing clean of food, sauce and juice. They run their little tongues over each and every single item in that machine, including the ‘Uppy’ knives. I literary get shivers up my spine thinking about what could occur. Truly horrible thoughts. Impaled on the cutlery tray? Sliced off noses? Tongues cut into grapefruit sections?

So, Health and Safety, where are you when, for once, we need you? Shocking as it is for me, I say to you, “Make some rules about knife placement in dishwashers. This is the one and only time I will be behind you…all the way. Petition Parliament if you have to. Enforce the act of ‘Downy’ knives. Random check kitchens of the populace. Fine the ‘Uppys’ indiscriminately!” Let us all be a nation of ‘Downys’! Together we stand ‘Uncut and Unsliced’.

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