So life as Sassy still plods on. The usual ups and downs but recently more down than up. I have now been on my own for five and a half years – even I find it hard to believe it has been so long.
And around the five year mark I had a real slump. I haven’t moved on, I haven’t met anyone, I am still plagued by loneliness and yes I was downright miserable. I feel bad that I didn’t give more support to my mother on losing my father after 44 years of marriage. Goodness knows how bad I am feeling after only 20! So to coin the crass American phrase “I got me some therapy!”
My counsellor is wonderful and, as all good counsellors do, she gets me talking – prompting gently and wheedling things out of my brain and my mouth that I didn’t know were there!
Apparently I am a very visual person (who knew) and so we draw diagrams and pictures and I write a letter – a goodbye letter to my ex – I need “closure”. I surprise myself (and her) with my words.
They are soft, gentle, loving, caring and full of gratitude! If I had written the letter a couple of years ago it would have been harsh, bitter and full of venom and vitriol. But it proves to me I have come a long way and I have forgiven and I am moving on.
My love life remains empty. I saw a chap for a couple of months who was really nice and I thought it had great potential. However, after six consecutive dates which consisted of me driving to him (so only the one glass for me then) where he cooked me an M&S meal deal for two and then we would watch tv (!!), I decided he was a bit dull and possibly dare I say a bit tight. I suggested dining out (always happy to go Dutch) even changing to a takeaway or the cinema. But to no avail – and I deserve so much more!
I am currently composing this whilst stuck on a plane, on the outskirts of the airfield. Already delayed by half an hour and now we hear, another hour as there is fog at the destination. The destination being the Almafi coast. I am off to a wedding of a very dear friend. A bit trepidatious I admit – travelling on my own (never normally a problem) but I know I am the only single guest 🙁
And having had the invite over a year ago I had somewhat hoped I might have had a special plus one with me.
My dear friend split up with her ex husband (a dear friend of my ex husband) a couple of years after we did and here she is going through the nuptials again. I am delighted for her and her obvious happiness is contagious. But behind my happy smile lies the feeling of failure that I am still alone. I know I don’t NEED a man. I have a lovely life, but goodness knows I want one! Until the age of 50 I had spent 33 years in relationships with barely eighteen months on my own – my whole adult life I had been used to being a pair – a couple, a team. I have found out a lot about myself in the last years – yes all the cliches – I am stronger than I thought I was and capable of doing many things for myself and doing things on my own. But having a companion would be nice!
Anyway, having got my psyche evaluated, balanced and back on track it was time to sort the body. Why is so little discussed about menopause? I am well past menopause (or so I thought) and in fact it was sadly contributory to my break-up. My husband told me afterwards he hated my mood swings – I didn’t even know I was having them. That and the fact I was still grieving the death of my mother. Anyway I thought I was through the menopause and out the other side. I had popped in to see my GP to ask for sleeping tablets, after my fifth night of erratic and little sleep. While in the waiting room, I wrote a list of other “niggles”. When I went in he laughed and said everything on my list is hormone related – the sleep pattern, the constant upset tummy, the indigestion and the constant film of sweat. So in the blink of an eye I am on HRT and after only a week I have to say all those symptoms have disappeared. Now, talking to girlfriends, I am astounded how many are or have been taking it too.
Oh well onwards and upwards! Well, if we ever get airborne!!!
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