So they say pride comes before a fall! And, quite literally days after blogging about how amazing I felt, how everything was good and life was fine, I fell again right back down – to a wholly miserable, sobbing and lonely place.
The other day, my youngest and I, went back to the marital home to try and retrieve a lost Christmas stocking. Having carefully explained to EH where I thought it might be, he hadn’t managed to find it so, as I am permitted to enter the house accompanied by the children (actually I can’t get in otherwise as I do not have keys!) we popped in. I really don’t like going there too much as it still represents what I have lost. Anyway, on the journey we chatter and my son tells me that a couple his Daddy and I used to be very friendly with are having a baby.
Anyway when I get home I go to her Facebook to see if she has posted anything about when it’s due blah blah blah and generally just be nosey! And then I stupidly look through her friends and of course there she is – Fluff, my EH’s new love. And of course I can’t help myself – like pressing a sore wound I discover more about her – that she’s in her mid thirties, that she works at the same company as EH, what she looks like, what her name is and, worst of all, that she is really real.
Strangely for me, I phone EH (strange because I am sober) And we have the usual conversation which starts with me ranting (you must have been having an affair why did you not say you worked together etc etc etc), then me calming, crying and then both of us admitting we should have done more to save our sinking ship and the fact we both feel very sad about it. I ask if he thinks he’ll become a father in his fifties but he says he hopes not – I hope Fluff doesn’t become broody.
It all just seems such a waste – and again I feel lost and alone. Yes, lonely in my pretty little cottage – because everyone has moved on except me. I then have an extremely large G&T and go to bed softly crying myself to sleep. To make things worse I am in the midst of my first winter cold, so feeling rough and run down anyway. What is it with the human body? Why do we not have a finite amount of mucous? Why, when you blow your nose, does your nose keep dripping, there’s just no end to the stuff! And the same with tears – I cannot imagine the amount of tears I have wept in anger, pain and sorrow over the last couple of years – it is exhausting. I know things are better, my down days are few and far between, I am happy on the whole, life is good. I know I don’t need a man in my life to make it perfect – God knows I have friends in tricky relationships that make me thankful sometimes I don’t have those problems. But especially at this time of year it is hard to be on your own watching everyone hold hands and choose gifts together. I have to pick myself up dust myself down and move on again…