Not blogged for a while as my life has been a bit up and down – mostly down to be fair and very down, very dark and not in a good place and certainly not a place to share with my readers.
I even managed to meet someone, a friend of a friend. It started well, drinks, dinner, cinema, usual thing. It was good because, as I enjoyed his company, I felt little pieces of myself return. I was happy for the first time in a very long time. However a few weeks in he says he thinks I still have feelings for my husband and dumps me – by text! There really is only so much rejection anyone can take and my confidence, self esteem and general mood take a nosedive. Even when I think I am getting somewhere and ready to move on I am thwarted!
Whilst away on my travels the one thing I resolve to sort out is my children! I miss them dreadfully and have decided, as much as it has been convenient in my pretty little flat, it has never been the right thing for my children. They just don’t like coming here – the eldest will occasionally but the youngest has probably only been half a dozen times and always under protest. I have decided to buy somewhere of my own nearer my children so we can share parenting more equally.
This of course means meeting to discuss finances! It starts well enough with a glass of wine, all quite amicable – however 2 bottles later it is acrimonious, heated, nasty and even violent. I am ashamed to say that youngest child hears all this and runs away – it is just awful, even we know we have gone too far. Luckily he has not travelled too far and was found safe and well with his grandparents!
We cannot agree on anything, it all gets personal, and discovering his girlfriend is 17 years younger than me and a lawyer is like a dagger to the heart. I cannot feel any older, unattractive, and useless, past it or generally downtrodden if he had told me he was dating Victoria Beckham! Mind you he was always more of a Baby Spice fan!
I am so down, so miserable – I de-camp to a girlfriend where I cannot even hold a conversation I just cry and cry and cry and cry.
My girlfriends take turns to be with me and are so kind and so supportive and I know I am lucky and I know I am loved. Even the ones who still have the perfect lives and the perfect husbands and by their own admissions have no idea what it must be like to lose your whole life, as you know it, your security, your familiarity, the companionship, the warmth and the love. I miss the love, I want someone to love me – everyone needs to feel loved. I am trying so hard to learn from this ‘journey’ that I don’t need a man to make me feel better about myself. That I need to be able to love myself before anyone else will love me etc etc. I know it makes sense but at the moment all I feel is physical pain.
I took the youngest to the dentist, where a filling was needed, and the dentist whilst administering the obligatory injection said this will make things completely numb and I remember thinking give one to me – I just want to be numb!
I am taken to see my GP where I have more blood tests to determine my hormone levels, given anti depressants and get recommended counseling for which there is a 10 week waiting time!!! How on earth do I know what I will feel in 10 weeks!!!
During our frank and emotional discussions EH tells me he stopped loving me when I started to get ‘angry’ how ironic that I have now discovered, through my doctor and the tests I had, that my angry outbursts were at the height of a menopause I didn’t even know I was having! How terribly sad!
Youngest child and I have spent a lot of time together with much talking, tears and cuddling and we are in a good place. “The trouble is, Mummy, you need to start your new job. At the moment you have too much time on your hands. When you have a job again you won’t have time to feel sad anymore”, youngest son tells me. A very wise head on young shoulders!
I know I can get through this, all my friends who have been so amazing tell me how strong I am even though I don’t believe it. I listen to Mel C (weak) it sums up how I feel – I need to re-tune to Kelly Clarkson and Stronger!!!
I know I need to prove I am worthy to the people who have offered me my amazing new job. I know I am a worthy mother who can’t wait to see my children grow – my eldest has known since 8 years old what he wants to do and I know he will get there and be a huge success and I want to be there to cheer him on! And youngest – the charmer, the amazing, gorgeous, cutest, cleverest who knows where he will be – can’t wait to find out!
I know I am worthy – I AM WORTHY!!!