So this month started in a difficult place, it would have been my 20th wedding anniversary and I knew that day would be hard. Ironically EH (ex-husbamd) and I went out to dinner together on the eve of our wedding anniversary to discuss where we go as we move forward. We always said we’d keep the house until the boys had finished their schooling and that time is imminent. Even stranger we talked about reconciling but that conversation just went around in circles – it may be that just too much has happened in the last 18 months ! We had a wonderful evening and my words of advice from the boys before I left – no raised voices, no swearing, and try not to throw anything as you are in public meant I managed to behave on all 3 levels!
I spent my actual wedding anniversary with BFF who arrived with champagne and my favourite flowers and we toasted to my new future (whatever that may be !!)
I talked before about how strange it is to go on days out and suddenly have to take the lead. Recently I drove into London with the children and discovered I had left my purse behind! Luckily both the boys are of an age with their own monies and cards and were able to rescue me – but a good lesson learned for them on the cost of parking, lunch and activities!!!
I have been on more Spice events and always find like minded people to chat with and we always end up in a pub. This has meant an occasional journey into London on my own, normally I drive but I recently went by train. Why on a tube do I always manage to sit next to the person who has the most dreadful halitosis – so bad I struggle not to retch? I mistakenly look around to deliberately look away from Mr stinky Breath and of course I catch the eye of Mr Weirdo! Once eye contact has been made he just stares and stares at me??? No wonder I prefer taxis! When he goes I’m left with a Mr Knuckle- cracker on the other side of me the noise of which seems to actually cause a physical reaction in my body, a bit like nails down a blackboard and luckily my stop comes soon or else my knuckles may have made contact with his face!
I look around aimlessly on the tube and catch sight of an advert for a fertility clinic in Harley Street. EH and I went there for months and months and months and it drew us so close , we were our own little team trying to defeat the odds to make our family – the one now torn apart.
We still have an 18th birthday to get through and I’m looking forward to it and I am taking a girlfriend for moral support. Fluff is still on the scene but EH wouldn’t dream of bringing her and for that I am grateful.
Still having ongoing financial crises! Apparently when I did my tax return last year, first time on my own, I made a mistake and have now landed myself with a hefty tax bill 🙁 Plus I now have an air bag error on my car which needs fixing before the MOT next month. It feels like a I get a new problem every month. These things, when you’re a couple never seem an issue !!!
My job is not going so well as I am finding myself making careless mistakes. I want so much to succeed at this and I try so hard to block out the emotional side of my life – the broken bit that isn’t healing and doesn’t go away.
I have met up with another dear friend whose husband left her 3 months ago – she is doing remarkably well, already sold their house, and looking for her own new pad. She is so strong, so very strong! By her own admission she has a switch and has turned off her emotions (a bit like EH did), it is her survival mechanism, she says without it she would be in total pieces, and she wants to keep her dignity – goodness the complete opposite of me. I have been emotional, irrational and probably don’t have a shred of dignity left to cling on to!
My dates are improving – the calibre of candidates is getting better ! A doctor, an accountant and a government advisor, (no not all the same man). All good looking intelligent and good company and not a
high viz in sight – but that spark, that bit of chemistry has been missing from them all. I still think it may be too early for me but I also think a night out in company is better than one spent at home alone and who knows…..
It was love at first sight with EH – I would have married him within hours of meeting him and I guess I’m hoping that lightening does strike twice………!